Dr.
Elinor Robin is amazing at cutting through to the bottom line of marriage and divorce.
As a mediator and conflict strategist, Robin has plenty of advice for couples thinking about taking the leap into marriage and for those who are struggling with their marriages.
"We need marriage education. It should be required. People go into marriages because they want to be with someone that makes them feel whole and loved. But, expectations for happily ever after fade when problems and marital conflicts trigger feelings of dismissed, disconnected, disrespected, and disenchanted. And, without education or understanding, couples end their relationships, even when they could be saved" Robin explained.
"Starting a marriage off right takes teamwork. There are no easy answers. Most important is a 'we're in this together' attitude. You want someone who supports you, but it has to be a two-way street. You have to be willing to do what is best collectively - for you as a couple."
"Conflicts require more than the generalization of good communication. Sometimes, the dialogue of a marriage needs to get ugly, covering difficult topics and one's deepest darkest secrets," Robin said. "You need to be able to step up and say, 'This is where I am coming from. This is what I need. This is what I can give. How will we make it work for both of us?' It takes both parties being open and honest. Avoiding conflicts only makes them worse."
"Marriage is a challenge. It's very difficult to sustain a marriage over a twenty year period because our world is changing and we change so much, especially in our twenties and thirties. And, as we change and grow we encounter all of the trials and tribulations of life. Marriages fail under these pressures. For example, couples who lose a child face this extremely difficult crisis in one of two ways. Either they find ways to support one another and strengthen their marriage or they stop connecting and go elsewhere to get what they need," Robin said.
"Cheating may be viewed as a breach of trust, the only way out or a powerful symptom that we need help. A breach of trust will end the marriage. You can't fix breach of trust. But, for many people cheating is the only way to get the message across that this marriage isn't working for me. So sometimes people are able to look at an affair and say, 'wait, I want to work this out with you. I am willing to listen and to fix it.'"
Robin also brings an awareness to the power that spouses have over each other. The marital relationship is so intimate on so many levels.
"A spouse is the only one that is this close. And, this power see-saws depending if the issue is emotional, financial, physical, or social."
"For most couples in conflict, it is almost impossible to become your own mediator. You need a third party who is not emotionally attached or involved in the situation to bring an objective perspective," Robin said.
She can give couples a dose of reality and help them take off their blinders. Often being able to see the whole picture allows people to work together for the first time and find win-win solutions.
"If the marriage does end, divorce can bring either positive transformation or devastation. Some people are able to turn their lives around and experience growth and change. This healing process takes about five years to complete. Others fall into the divorce pit and remain traumatized forever. Creating a strong support system and being willing to look at your part in the relationship failure are the two keys that can make divorce a growth experience. Joining a support group can be a great help."