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The value of visiting family

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Contributed by: Pam Vetter on 7/10/2008

My father always wondered: why do people who didn't visit the deceased in life, show up for the funeral service? It confused him.

Why wait for the funeral to say goodbye?

"Gather around the table and visit me while I'm alive," my father said often.

When my father died last year, irony was not lost when his cousin, who had not visited him in more than a decade, complained that the private viewing was not advertised in the newspaper.

"Had I known there was a viewing, I would have gone to see him," he said.

My mother mumbled under her breath to me, "It would have been better if he visited your dad while he was alive."

When I went home to Pennsylvania to visit my family over the last two weeks, I was constantly reminded of my father's words. One of my relatives sat with me and, with tears in his eyes, apologized for not attending my father's funeral.

"I'm sorry I wasn't at your dad's funeral. I wanted to say goodbye," he said.

For a moment, tears grew in my eyes as I was moved by his caring words.

Without missing another beat, I delivered a reminder.

"You visited him in life. You listened to him, you laughed with him and that's what mattered the most. Don't worry about the funeral. We gave away Hershey bars at his funeral service," I said with a laugh, "Eat a Hershey bar and remember him."

Many deaths, such as my father's, are unexpected. We never know what today or tomorrow will bring. But, carrying the burden of guilt can be overwhelming for some people.

Guilt and grief can take a variety of painful life-stopping turns. Guilt can be felt for not attending a funeral service. Guilt can also be felt for not visiting family members while they're alive. Overwhelming guilt can result for not staying in touch with loved ones. Guilt, for a variety of reasons, can stop healthy grieving in its tracks.

People who are mourning a loss need to be able to find forgiveness for themselves.

People need to forgive themselves for circumstances that prevented attendance to a funeral. You can't be expected to attend every funeral service for friends and family around the world. Immediate family should understand.

People also need to forgive themselves for choices and decisions that have soured relationships. Truth be told, family estrangements are often out of your control. A comment is made, an offense taken and relationships are severed for years by a single comment that sometimes meant no harm.

My recent trip to Pennsylvania constantly reminded me of the importance of visiting family and keeping communication open.

My grandparents, Edna and Paul Reese, had nine children and 34 grandchildren. Growing up, the Reese family made events out of annual gatherings.

For Easter, my grandmother made eggs for every family member. She boiled, dyed and decorated nearly 12 dozen eggs for Easter egg hunts for the children and grandchildren.

Each year, the event was held at a different family home or the church. Two decorated eggs with names were hidden for each and every adult and child who attended the event.

The annual Reese reunion was held every June.

For Thanksgiving, we gathered together to celebrate and share the most delicious potluck meals together. We were truly thankful for the seven-layer salad, home-made potato salad and incredible desserts. Most importantly, we were grateful to have such a large family to visit.

Even after my grandfather died unexpectedly in a tractor accident on the farm, my grandmother continued the gatherings for decades. She knew the value of family. Everyone was accepted and welcomed, no matter what water had spilled under the bridge.

Family is family forever.

My grandmother died in 1997. Her grandchildren have had children of their own. The families are now spread all over the world. The extended family gatherings since my grandmother's death have dwindled. Not everyone makes it home and understandably so. Each family has created their own family traditions.

My Aunt Lucille and Uncle Fred have created a new family gathering in the summer for the extended cousins to visit each other. This year's event came with news. My cousin Nick and his wife, Suzanne, welcomed a sweet little baby into the world on the morning of the gathering.

My cousin Gretchen took the young second cousins out in a canoe for more fun and memories created for family.

As a group, we sang, "Blest be the Ties That Bind." Then, we shared memories and a meal together. Someone in the crowd even made the memorable seven-layer salad and it was delicious. The barbequed hot dogs and hamburgers were cooked to perfection as a new orange Jello-O tapioca pudding decorated the dessert table this year.

My Aunt Doris and Uncle Harold stayed at my mother's home in their camper for a few days and we enjoyed more wonderful food, conversation and fireworks for the fourth of July holiday. Aunt Doris even gave me the recipe for the new orange fluffy dessert.

Another one of my cousins, Kristi, was married in a beautiful outdoor wedding to her new husband, Eric, who inherited all of us instantly by marriage. As I looked around at the wedding reception, I was again reminded of the importance of family. I am grateful for each and every member of my extended family.

My Aunt Genny and I now write back and forth by snail mail. A letter sent here, a letter sent there and we're reminded of family. She points out all of her blessings with every letter. She is a special lady who's grateful for the smallest things, always embracing the positive side of life. She also makes the best baked rolls in the world!

My Uncle Fred and I keep in touch via e-mail. He sends me jokes, information, articles and family updates. He even sent me a picture of his beautiful new granddaughter via the Internet.

My immediate family keeps in touch by phone throughout the year with updates. Somehow we keep getting older and wiser whether we want to or not.

It's incredible how technology has allowed family members who live 3,000 miles apart, to find a way to keep in touch online.

The most important part of my trip home was remembering the fun of years gone past. My cousin Curt and I talked about the grand Easter egg hunts of years gone by. The Easter egg hunts are now a part of our shared history. Curt and his wife, Michelle, attended the family gathering and the wedding. Their stories were endlessly entertaining and I was so pleased to reconnect with them.

We also remembered our relatives who we've lost along the way. There was a story and a smile to go with each person who died.

My Aunt Annie, who died only months ago, was remembered for sending a dollar in a birthday card to every niece and nephew until the age of 18. That was a lot of nieces and nephews over the years. She never missed one birthday. It turned out she was organized with a recording book of each birth so she wouldn't miss one.

Those gestures are what make a family unique and special. No distance can destroy family - as long as you keep someone in your heart, the relationship is still alive.

To close out our trip, we visited my father's grave and my sister's grave, laying flowers upon each site. My father's grave is located back in his childhood town, surrounded by family. My sister's grave is located next to an Amish schoolhouse as simple horse and buggies decorate the landscape.

After visiting with some wonderful neighbors, Helen and Whitey, and friends Mary Lou and Sam, my family home, which rests on three beautiful lush Pennsylvania acres, now seems like a long-lost friend filled with memories. Our reunion is sweet every single year.

My time on the homestead is meaningful every summer as I am filled with gratitude and appreciation for my family and history, just like the lyrics from John Denver's song, "Back Home Again":

"It's the sweetest thing I know of, just spending time with you.
It's the little things that make a house a home.
Like a fire softly burning and supper on the stove,
the light in your eyes that makes me warm.

Hey, it's good to be back home again.
Sometimes this old farm feels like a long lost friend.
Yes, and hey, it's good to be back home again..."

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