When you visit 75-year-old Ruth, she wears an honest smile. She's happy to sit down, give you a lovely slice of cheesecake, and listen to your stories. She'll even share a few of her own stories about quilting projects or the latest discussions in her Bible study class.
When the visitors leave, the tears often flow. Life is not easy behind closed doors after you've lost a spouse of 53 years.
Ruth worked as an elementary school teacher for 27 years, retiring in 1992. With her husband, she traveled to England on vacation and visited relatives around the country.
In 1998, her world changed when her husband suffered a massive stroke paralyzing his left side.
"I became a full-time caregiver.It was a shock. But, honestly in the eight and half years of caring for him, we did more together than ever before. With the wheelchair, we stayed home more often and talked a lot. We did everything together.In the evenings, we'd read the newspaper, do puzzles, or watch TV together. When he died unexpectedly in February 2007, just before our wedding anniversary, my evenings got awfully lonely," Ruth explained. "I had never lived alone before. I was living with my parents when we married so I went from being around my own family to living with a spouse, and later our five children. We'd been through so much together in our lifetime including careers, parenthood, traveling, and even loss. One of our daughters died in 2004. He was my partner in life and now I was completely alone. It was culture shock. Nobody needed me. Emotionally, it was difficult. I also had to adjust financially because, while my expenses stayed the same, my income was cut by two-thirds. I had to learn to live on $1,000 a month."
Ruth admits that she faced deep despair at times.
"The intense loneliness was awful. I had to force myself to get out of bed. I had to find a purpose in life. Every day I asked myself, 'What is my purpose?' I'm still searching for it. But, now I make a list every day of things I want to accomplish. I live day by day, but I have a reason to get up in the morning now. My knee jerk reaction was to sell the house after my husband died, but I'm glad I didn't. The work at this house keeps me going and gives me something to do. I'd advise anyone facing a spousal loss to wait one year before selling anything or moving, because your needs change. Instead of another house, I may stay here a few years and then move into a retirement home instead," Ruth said.
"I'm looking for other people like me who don't have families living with them, people who are alone. But, I have to be careful who I choose as friends, because at my age I don't need someone who will overwhelm me with more needs. I don't want to get married again, but it would be nice to find a friend to shop with or someone to share stories. For now, I find things to do. I take more time shopping at the grocery store, going up and down each aisle reading labels. I go to lunch with friends from church. I visit relatives, which are full day trips. I also quilt in the evenings or read. I just finished a trilogy on the Amish."
While Ruth is optimistic, she's also a realist.
"There's no quick route to getting through grief by yourself. Now, I deal with my memories rather than the deaths. After loss, you have to relearn how to deal with your new life. Find new friends, get a church family, start a new hobby, or volunteer. It's a new life," Ruth added with a smile. "I make myself reach out to people because I truly know that everyone has a purpose."
If you are looking for a grief support group link to
www.ourhouse-grief.org.