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Job interview #1 - Kung Pao, anyone?
Contributed by: Billie Barron on 8/23/2006

While seeking employment over the past few months, I am reminded of past interviews that were amusing, quirky or simply defied description. Even the best interviews are no guarantee of landing that fantastic job I only imagined and more often have thrust me into a level of mediocrity I had not yet experienced.

Through trial and error, I have learned how to conduct myself during a job interview. I have found that sometimes "less is more" and it is wise to refrain from talking too much about myself, my last job or previous employers. Though it may make for an interesting half hour, it is not good form to mention the employer who micro-managed trips to the bathroom, bounced my last paycheck or was arrested for fencing electronic equipment.

I have reviewed "The Ten Commandments of Interviewing" from the Daily News Career Site and I prepare myself accordingly. I am showered, deodorized, coiffed, pressed and my make-up is subtle. I am dressed appropriately, avoiding the color green as I understand that this is one of those "love it, hate it" colors. I avoid the temptation to wear a shorter skirt that would show off my lovely shaped calves and opt instead for a navy blue pantsuit. Scuffed shoes have been resuscitated with the aid of a sponge and Ajax. Nails are trimmed and clean. I brush my teeth one last time to remove all remnants of the Lucky Charms I wolfed down at breakfast. I AM READY TO FACE MY INTERVIEWER.

It is not recommended to show up for the scheduled interview too early as this smacks of desperation--they will smell the bill collectors at your feet. Unless you are Marilyn Monroe reincarnated, being tardy is an absolute "no-no." Arriving 15-20 minutes early will give you time to complete the employer's application because this occurs 99 percent of the time. Even though all the relevant information about your job history, experience and qualifications appear on the resume you submitted (that's why the prospective employer called in the first place), still, the employer wants to know what high school you attended, what clubs you are a member, hobbies and if you have ever been charged with a felony. The question regarding "felony" is followed by a statement that a felony charge will not bar you from consideration for employment. Like I really believe that! Do employers get some sort of tax break from the Federal government based on the number of felons on the payroll? Probably.Then there's the form you are asked to complete on a voluntary basis which covers gender and ethnicity. I use to skip that form but later decided that completing it would demonstrate by cooperative nature.

I have arrived at ABC Company, am greeted by the receptionist and handed the clipboard with an application to complete. Having completed the application and returning it to the receptionist, I go back to my seat and wait...and wait. While I am cooling my heels in the lobby of ABC Company, I observe the receptionist as well as my surroundings. Both can reveal a great deal about the Company. How the receptionist greets visitors, handles telephone calls and interacts with other co-workers can be a clue as the overall environment. The state of the lobby is yet another clue. I have been to places that should have been fined and closed down by the Health Department! A mask should be passed out along with the application.

Thirty minutes after my interview was scheduled, I meet with Lulu who will be conducting the interview. It is glaringly obvious that Lulu did not exert the same amount of effort preparing for work as I did preparing for the interview. She is attired in leggings that have been stretched to the limit once too often and an oversized denim shirt that apparently lost the fight with a jug of bleach.
She is wearing flip-flops and a pedicure that's passed its' expiration date. She greets me and as we extend our hands towards one another, it looks as if Lulu may have just changed the oil in a 1959 Buick. Lulu motions to the seat across from her desk and as I lower myself onto the chair, I felt something like peanut butter & jelly but when I looked down, it appeared to be a new life form encrusted on the arm of the chair. Mental note: SANITIZE HANDS AFTER INTERVIEW.

Very early on it is obvious that Lulu will be "winging" this interview. There is a myriad of clutter about her desk, potted plants that have been rendered to compost, photos of employees dressed in Halloween costumes, or may be not. There is a familiar odor permeating the small, squalid office--what is that smell? It's Kung Pao Chicken but I see no food and it's 9:30AM. I conclude that it's eau de Lulu.

The interview begins in earnest. Now we're rolling. Lulu asks the usual questions: What are your long-term goals? Your short-term goals? Do you have any goals? If hired by ABC Company, what will you bring to the Company? I think to myself: How about cleanliness for starters.

Lulu talks to me about ABC Company. She explains that the Company distributes cogs used in wheels. They have been in business 8 days and have recently gone "global" in their operation. Lulu goes on to say the Company is diversifying and will be a distributor of "hubs" and "spokes." I am in awe and respond, "I did not realize there was such a demand for these products but it makes sense." The things one learns while on interviews.

At this point, I ask Lulu to tell me about the position that's available. She is very engaging and says that the Company is seeking someone who can multi-task. Revelation! All companies are looking for multi-taskers. The person they select must be able to perform all types of accounting functions, provide excellent customer service, handle all correspondence, distribute mail, perform shipping and receiving, ability to lift 75 pounds, relieve receptionist, order office supplies, prepare morning and afternoon coffee and clean the restrooms alternating weeks. In addition, must have a valid drivers license so that dry cleaning can be dropped off, children chauffered to soccer games and pick-up Kung Pao Chicken at noon on alternating days of the week. The job starts at $8.00 per hour, there are no benefits and employees pay to park in the lot.
My only question: WHEN DO I START?


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Showing 1-3 of 3 comments
Submitted By: Bill Burgess
posted on 9/9/2006 @ 1:11:37 AM
(Not Rated)
An Interesting read and full of truths. Five Star. Bill Burgess
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Submitted By: Marion Green
posted on 9/2/2006 @ 10:16:41 AM
Rated Story
Very entertaining story and very typical. I was in the "test" process during an interview and an ex-employee visiting the office, used the phone at the "testing" area. The cord was on the opposite side and stretched across my face while she sat on the desk I was typing at. I was unable to stop because my typing score would have plummeted. I didn't EVEN want that job after all. Marion
[Report as objectionable]
Submitted By: Billie Barron
posted on 8/24/2006 @ 12:30:08 PM
Rated Story
This couldn't me more right on the button, this is a perfect example of the whole interviewing process. It's sad but so true and I loved your story. Keep them coming Mrs. Barron.
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Showing 1-3 of 3 comments
CONTRIBUTOR INFORMATION

Billie Barron

Burbank , CA

Billie Barron has posted 1 story and 2 comments since joining on 8/21/2006. Billie Barron 's average story rating is 5.
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